Abandonment
No matter how many times you tell them you’ll be there for them, they don’t believe you. No matter how many times you tell them you love them, it’s never enough.
We’ve all me someone with abandonment issues. Some common signs that someone has abandonment issues are:
- They get attached to certain people quickly. They may have a series of short but intense attachments, either with friends or lovers.
Other times, people with abandonment issues might cycle through a series of shallow relationships. They seek out new connections because they are lonely, but then cut the other person off before they have a chance to hurt them. Their loneliness drives them to find someone else, and the cycle repeats.
- They have a constant fear of unfaithfulness. In a relationship, this presents as a fear of
cheating. With friends, this presents as a fear of emotional distance. - They jump to worst case scenarios. When you frown at them, they fear that you’re secretly seething with anger. When you don’t text them back, they fear you hate them.
- They are not always able to recognize that these worst-case scenarios are irrational.
- They cling to unhealthy relationships, because they don’t want the other person to
leave. - They even sabotage their relationships. When the other person leaves because they are being toxic, they can ease their pain with the knowledge that they caused it through bad behavior.
This is comforting to someone with abandonment issues because if they did not sabotage the relationship, and the other ended up leaving, it’s a comment about their worth as a person. But when someone leaves because they’re being treated badly, then it’s only fair. It doesn’t feel as much like abandonment.
- They look for flaws. With every new person in their life, they critically assess them. They may even put them through ‘tests’ designed to measure what kind of person theyare. These tests often create drama where there doesn’t need to be any.
These aren’t the only signs. There are very subtle ways to tell if someone has abandonment issues, such as:
- They believe people are generally untrustworthy and/or not dependable and will tell you
so. - When they do find someone they connect with, they will say things like “you are not like the others.”
It can feel impossible to talk to someone with abandonment issues. No matter what you say, it’s like they didn’t hear you. It can drive you crazy. It can make you feel like you’re talking to a brick wall. At the same time, the last thing you want to do is give up in
frustration and make them think you’re abandoning them.
Abandonment issues are a core part of someone’s worldview. The person with abandonment issues feels like the world is fundamentally unsafe.